STOP THE SABOTAGE!

[Karan]:  Oh good grief, it shouldn't be this hard!  Here I am trying very hard to give my money away, and the shocking lack of customer service I'm experiencing is stopping me from doing so?  Is everyone out there so wealthy and inundated with work and sales that they have no need for my enquiry?  Well that's what it feels like!

The problems I am encountering range from 874 automated phone options, to the phone not being picked up at all, to voicemail messages not being returned, to my details being lost, to overt price gouging and, my all time favourite this morning, having to wait two working days for a quote that really could be given to me here and now - it's not brain science people!

What the businesses I've dealt with this morning are failing to realise is this: if they lose my details, or are incapable or unwilling to return my calls etc, what confidence am I going to have in them fulfilling my sales or service requirement?  None!  They really have got to instil my confidence in them from the very beginning, otherwise I'm going to go to someone who will.  This is how businesses fail surely - they are shooting themselves in the foot by being crap - and they should stop the sabotage before it's too late.

Bad customer service drives me crazy - as those who know me well will testify - because there is no excuse for it.  Why are you in business if you are not going to treat your customers like supreme beings?  It makes no sense to me. 

So, here I go, once more into the breach dear friends, trying to give some money to anyone prepared to answer my call or call me back, retain my details and treat me like a supreme being; is it really too much to ask?  I really don't think it is too much to ask.  I have received brilliant service from BT, Lloyds TSB and even Virgin Media in the past week, so it can be done - and obviously in respect of customer service at IKD, you will always get more than you bargained for.  And that's a promise!

COME ON ENGLAND!

[Karan]: So England play Algeria in the World Cup tonight, and the levels of expectations are high. To say the least.

I have been noting, with a great deal of interest - and some amusement too - the pleasure and the pain our serious football supporters are going through.  It seems to me that they want to believe so much in the team, their talent, ability and potential, but just dare not, possibly because of past disappointments.  I can only imagine what will happen if England do actually win the championship - it'll dwarf the England rugby world cup winner's parade; of that I'm sure!

There are people who I follow on Facebook and Twitter - men mostly - who are throwing themselves into work to take their minds off the anticipation and nerves, whilst others are unashamedly clock watching.  A friend of mine is so passionate about his football, that he is refusing point blank to collect the kids from school next Wednesday, when England are playing again, so his wife has had to make alternative arrangements - and this is a man who simply adores his children.  I do wonder how many people will be struck down with a mysterious 24 hour stomach bug on Tuesday night, and how many grandparents or far flung Aunts and Uncles will be drafted in for the school run.

Patriotism is a wonderful thing and must be encouraged and nutured - it's what made this country great, and football really brings it out in people doesn't it?  And it's not just a man thing either.  A friend of mine works for a husband and wife team, where the wife is insane about her football, whilst the husband loathes it and can't understand her fascination.  Ian and I both support England - in anything, not just the football - wait until the rugby or Wimbledon starts and we go nuts - but we only follow the football during the World Cup and Euro championships - assuming England qualify.  Ian, as a man, is largely unmoved by football ordinarily, but he'll be leaping to his feet as fast as the next man when England score tonight.

We have not gone so far as to display flags outside the house, or have them whistling above the car doors - much to our daughter's chagrin, but we have promised that if England get to the semi-finals, that we shall hang a flag out of a bedroom window to celebrate, just like everyone else in the street. 

From my very limited understanding of football in general - although I can explain the off-side rule! - I believe Algeria are the underdogs tonight and England are expected to win comfortably.  This makes me very nervous, because whenever England are expected to win comfortably, there is invariably an upset.  Is it not England's form to make the supporters sweat blood before prevailing eventually?

And another thing.  Can someone explain to me why Emile Heskey gets such a hard time, i.e.: "...if Heskey can play for England than so can I" - because from what I saw of him during the USA match on Saturday night, he ran his legs off and had several convincing shots at goal.  And is Green The Goalkeeper really going to continue blaming the ball?  The ball's the same for all goalkeepers isn't it?  Hmmmm, let's hope there's a redemptive performance for the remainder of the competition then.

No doubt passion and patriotism will inspire me to blog again about the football if England get to the final, but that's all from me for now.  Next stop, Wimbledon - where we have no Englishmen playing at all, more's the pity.  COME ON ENGLAND!

HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regime of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, however, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

> The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

> The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

> The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

> The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

> The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit

And just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot...

For the avoidance of doubt, IKD Kitchens Bedrooms Bathrooms wish to make it clear that the above is a JOKE, that we do not adovate the self-medication of alcohol, and recommends that alcohol should be enjoyed responsibly by persons of 18 years of age or over.

WHY THE FEDERATION OF SMALL BUSINESSES?

[Karan]:  I'm often asked why we include the Federation of Small Businesses logo on all our stationery, signage and vehicle livery etc - how could it possibly be relevent or interesting to our customers and potential customers?

The short answer is: peace of mind.  Even before the British (and global) economy went down the toilet, and many companies subsequently went out of business, there was always the Watchdog and Rogue Trader television programmes, warning the public of the perils involved in dealing with the extra cheap cash-in-hand bodgit fraternity.

Now the economy has gone down the toilet, the public are rightly concerned about who to trust with their money and hard earned savings.  As IKD has been established almost 18 years, we enjoy a great deal of repeat business, or word-of-mouth recommendations from our existing customers, so our potential new customers already have peace of mind when they contact us.  But what about the people who find us on Google or The Yellow Pages - how can they be sure we're not going to run off with their deposit, or go bankrupt before we can install all that we've promised?

Ian and I completely understand these concerns.  Let's not forget that we have to pay for high value items and services too, and we are just as concerned about loosing our money as the next person.  We had to find a way of both differentiating ourselves from the bogus bodgit merchants, and assuring new potential customers that their money and investment was safe with us. 

So, in 2007 IKD applied to join The Federation of Small Businesses who interviewed us thoroughly, vetted our business systems and practices, and finally accepted us into the fold.  The benefits for our customers now is that they have a guarantee and a means of getting their money back or a dispute managed, should anything untoward happen.  Now I can assure you that all is well at IKD; that we're looking forward to our next 18 years in business, not to mention our exciting growth and development plans.  I can also assure you that we are honest and have absolutely no intention of doing the dirty with your money - but looking at this from your perspective; I would say that wouldn't I?

This is why we've put our money where our mouth is.  It's not cheap or easy to join The Federation of Small Businesses, but it does give our customers peace of mind, and it helps to differentiate IKD from the Bodgit & Scarper merchants.  We take our sales, service and hard earned reputation very seriously, and nothing is going to jeopardise that.  If belonging to the FSB - and Guild of Master Craftsmen for that matter - is what it's going to take to make our (potential) customers happy and reassured, then that is what we'll do.

So, this is why we advertise our FSB membership wherever possible; to tell everyone that they'll have peace of mind, a cast iron guarantee and added value when they invite IKD to refurbish their homes.

Click here for more information about The Federation of Small Businesses

BARBECUE WASH OUT

[Karan]:  Summer was on a Monday this year - I do hope you enjoyed it! True to form, following 74 days of blistering, sweltering sunshine, the Dennis family ventured outdoors for a BBQ, and it rained. Again! It didn't just rain though, oh no.  If you're local to Kettering and are able to remember Saturday night, we had a full blown electrical thunderstorm - complete with forked lightening and a tropical downpour for good measure, and it was all our fault.

You see, we have form.  I don't ever remember having a BBQ in the dry.  Years ago, before the children were born, Ian and I went on holiday to our bolt-hole on the South Coast.  We had been equally blessed with glorious weather and decided upon a BBQ with a couple of friends and a few beers etc.  The universe duly led us into a false sense of security by letting us buy the food, chill the drinks and prepare the salad etc.  Ian was even allowed to set fire to the BBQ, our preparations were all going swimmingly; this was going to be a great night!  Then the raw food came out to be cooked and the heavens opened, right on cue.

Ian is tremendously practical, inventive and a smidge stubborn at times; no rain was going to wash out his BBQ!  He then went on to devise a temporary shelter comprising of two sheds a wind breaker and an over sized umbrella, which he resolutely parked himself under as he continued to cook the food.  The rest of us ran inside and watched from a safe, dry distance, waiting patiently for our food to be delivered by a sodden but determined hero in flip flops!  There is photographic evidence of these proceedings somewhere, but I know not where for the time being - hence this rather accurate cartoon - with all thanks and recognition to Johnny Cartoons at http://www.toonpool.com/ 

And then history repeated itself on Saturday.  We have attended other people's BBQ's and the weather has remained gorgeous, even with us there - we just don't seem to be able to have a BBQ of our own.  As in the past, everything had been prepared; rolls buttered, salad tossed, sauces and drinks all ready willing and able - and all in glorious sunshine.  Then Ian made the fateful walk to the kitchen for the food - it even made it onto the hot coals, but then a minute later raindrops the size of tennis balls plunged to earth - our parched scorched lawn sprang into leafy green again before our eyes.  I could have sworn that the black clouds were just hovering over our house, but Ian said that I was being paranoid.  Now that we have children things are different.  We tried to wait it out under the garden umbrella to see if it would pass, but it didn't until we were all packed up and back inside the house.  We then had more thunder and lightening as the evening progressed, and other houses in the street got wet too, so it wasn't just us.  It appears I really am paranoid.

Sorry if your BBQ was drowned out on Saturday because of our irresponsible actions.  I promise - although Ian most certainly doesn't - never to BBQ again.

FREE BOTTLE OF WINE ANYONE?

[Karan]:  This weekend is supposed to be a long and hot one, and I dare say if I put any washing out on the line, all of our surrounding neighbours will have a barbecue together with their friends and family, with lots of cold and chilled drinks.

I know it's also approaching Wimbledon, which is more Pimms season than anything else, but tell me when a chilled glass of white wine is ever out of season?  Do you have the everyday space in your fridge for more than one bottle at a time?  As the supermarkets have special savings on purchasing multiple bottles of wine at a time, it would be great to have a discreet and modest wine cooler in which to keep it, wouldn't it? 

This image is of a 150mm fan assisted wine cooler, complete with six shelves.  It also features an internal light and the temperature range is between 4 - 18 Celsius (39.2 - 64.4 Fahrenheit).  This model is finished with a stainless steel door, is usually in stock (although the World Cup and Wimbledon might have an impact on available stocks), and retails for £225.00 including VAT. 

We have two deliveries a week from our supplier, so if you get your skates on, this little beauty can be yours before next weekend, and we all know what's happening next weekend.  COME ON ENGLAND!!! 

I'll tell you what - if you place an order before the World Cup kicks off (on Friday 11 June 2010), I'll throw in a free bottle of white wine to help you celebrate England winning the championship!

Offer available in the UK only subject to availability. Price excludes delivery and installation.  Offer expires 5pm Friday 11 June 2010

WHAT GADGETS ENHANCE YOUR LIFE?

[Karan]:  Where to start?!  The temptation to be smutty almost overwhelms me, but I shall remain pure of thought and heart for the purposes of this blog post, mostly because my Grannie might be reading this!

I got to thinking the other day about the who-haa created when CDs first came onto the market, and people were told they could smear jam over their discs and that they would still play.  No, I never did fall for this because, in my experience, CDs and latterly DVD's, are precious little darlings that require a kind word and lots of hugs before they'll release the goodies!  I do remember marvelling at the non-scratchy sounds and wondering how technology could ever improve on this perfection.  I always longed for the day when spending 16 weeks making a mixed tape were long gone, and that we could compile our own mixed CDs for the car etc.  For those of you reading this too young to remember cassette tapes, shut up and go to your room!

As soon as I became sufficiently computer literate and the software widely available, I was away burning my CDs all over the place.  I even had a 10 disc player for the car, which would randomise the tracks for me - bliss!  NOW how could technology improve on this?!

And then along came the Apple iPod, and my dreams were answered.  No more walking around with a gigantic CD Walkman strapped to your back, or pulled behind you in a trailer - this little beauty could be strapped to your arm whilst you jogged!  As an avid marathon runner and keep fit fanatic [cough], this meant no skipping or jumping of tracks, as I skipped and jumped to the chocolate shop!  I really do wonder how I lived without an iPod, they're amazing and I love mine deeply.

So what other gadgets and gizmo's would render my life worthless and meaningless if they were to ever be de-invented?  Well, I rather love my Nintendo DS, although Professor Layton almost drove me to distraction and back again with his lame back story - just give me the puzzles dammit!  We've gone a bit Mah Jong crazy at Dennis-Towers, and Ian and I have always been super-competitive, which leads to wild-eyed late night gamesmanship I can tell you.  We really should get out more.

I'm not sure how happy my lot would be without a computer or the Internet either.  What is there that can't be found online these days?  I even play online Scrabble occasionally, mostly because I have no friends who'll play it with me, and those friends with a vocabulary of 6 words or less are too easy to beat; it's just not sport.  I spent weeks trying to convince my (very well read and articulate) friend, Olga, to play online Scrabble with me, and within a couple of moves I triple, triple worded her and scored 268 points!  It was all luck and absolutely no judgement on my part, but Olga now just emits a very low deep growl when I mention playing again.  Not so much with the Scrabble for me any more [sigh].

As far as the kitchen is concerned I love - LOVE! - dishwashers and washing machines.  As a family of four I would literally spend my life washing up, or washing clothes.  Either way, my hands would end up as wrinkly masses of flaky arm ends - too horrible to contemplate.  And God bless the inventor of the smoke detector, for not only saving millions of lives every year from smoke inhalation or worse, but for the invaluable service they provide me with each and every meal time, by informing me when dinner is ready!

I love air conditioning, particularly in cars, as a heatwave + small children + long car journey = babbling parents being taken away in a fetching jacket that does up at the back!  Ian and I are also new converts to the sexiness of our Blackberrys.  Everyone urged us to have iPhones, and I have to admit they are gorgeous, innovative and playful, but we thought the touch screens may prove too precious in our line of work, so we opted for the Blackberry Bold, and we love them; a little more than is necessary in polite society!

My clean list could go on a while, and my not-so-clean list could go on indefinately, but what about you?  What everyday gadgets and gizmo's render your life worth living and meaningful? I'm intrigued and dying to know....

HOW BIZARRE, HOW BIZARRE!

[Karan]:  A very strange thing occurred yesterday, which I eluded to on Facebook and Twitter, but didn't really do it full justice.

It all started back in February 2010 when Mrs G of Norwich found us on Google, and enquired upon a bathroom for her mother-in-law, Mrs D, who lived in Kettering.  As Mrs D is a widow of a sensitive disposition, and didn't want a train of salesy types traipsing through her house, her daughter-in-law agreed to play rear gunner and devise a short list of likely bathroom supplying candidates; of which IKD were the only name on the list, we later found out.  IKD duly designed and installed Mrs D's new bathroom and all was well; Mrs D was delighted and IKD had a brand new Kettering customer, so we were delighted too.

Then, on Monday 10 May, Mrs B contacted us.  Mrs B lives across the road from Mrs D, had seen the bathroom we had installed there, and now wanted a very similar design and finish herself.  This was great news, but not necessarily a rare occurrence, as IKD have a high word-of-mouth recommendation rate; it's how we generate at least 90% of our work.  Over the last couple of weeks, Ian has been composing Mrs B's bathroom design and quotation, and was awaiting her return from holiday for her feedback.

In the meantime, Mrs W contacted us about the possibility of designing a bespoke master bedroom suite, suitable for a wheelchair user.  We learnt that Mrs W had found our details in Yellow Pages [note to self: not everyone is online], and had found it impossible to find anyone capable - or willing - to build custom-made low level wardrobes.  Until she found us, of course.  We have found in our years of trading that too many customers are told what they can have by some of our competitors, who do not have carpentry or joinery backgrounds.  This gives IKD a distinct advantage because Ian is a carpenter joiner by trade, and so has the apprenticeship training and experience to either customise or custom build anything that the customer requires.  We're able to ask our customers what they would like, rather than tell them what they can have.

Shortly after my phone call with Mrs W about her bespoke bedroom, Mrs D contacted Ian again, asking if he could now quote her for a kitchen refurbishment; which he duly did.  We're certainly very thankful to have been found on Google by Mrs D's daughter-in-law in Norwich, because we are now blessed with a loyal and returning customer we might not otherwise have met.

The bizarre thing about these events is that they all occur in the same street.  We know Mrs D and Mrs B are neighbours, but so too is Mrs W.  More than that; Mrs D lives at number 46, Mrs B lives at number 47 and Mrs W, who is unaware of our involvement with the other two ladies, lives at number 48.  And even more than that, Mrs D wants a kitchen, Mrs W wants a bedroom and Mrs B wants a bathroom - and they all accepted our quotations on the same day - yesterday!  Isn't life weird sometimes?

40% OF A PARACHUTE

[Karan]:  What use is 40% of a parachute?  It's no bloody use at all because it's not going to save you when you need it most - and when you need it most is the most likely time you're going to find out that it's not fit for purpose.

"You have 40% of a parachute" was the shocking analysis of our previous liability insurance policy with Disinterested Insurance.com by Peter Read of http://www.readinsurance.co.uk/  Obviously I am making up the name of our previous insurance brokers for legal reasons, but I am not making up what Peter Read thought to our previous policy.  And this has annoyed me quite a lot.

I am not an insurance buff.  We are all good at different things and insurance makes my head hurt - who's with me?!  Having said that however I tried my hardest to ensure we were adequately covered, by discussing - in considerable detail - what our requirements were with Disinterested Insurance.com.  In exactly the same way I trust our accountants to tell us how much tax we should pay (to avoid prison), I trusted Disinterested Insurance.com to have us suitably insured with the information I had given them.  Thankfully nothing ever happened to exercise that policy, because we would have been screwed by the infinitesimal legalese; hence Peter's 40% of a parachute analogy.

There have been very few phrases uttered to me in my life, that have caused my mind to focus so completely and so quickly.  Upon Peter's succinct appraisal, we still had a month or so to run until the crap policy expired, and it's safe to say there was much clenching whilst Peter drafted a 100% parachute for us; which is now in effect - hurrah!  I honestly feel like asking Ian to install a kitchen for Disinterested Insurance.com entirely without screws, so that the whole structure collapses under the slightest weight of a coffee cup.  Of course Ian would never be complicit in such shoddy antics, he's a professional after all, it's just a shame that not everyone is so conscientious.

I would therefore like to recommend the services of Peter Read at Read Insurance Brokers Ltd, who has gone above and beyond the call of duty in providing IKD with an all encompassing and fully  comprehensive liability insurance policy.  More than that, Peter has always explained the technical speak - or the infinitesimal legalese - in terms that I could easily understand; he has nothing to prove by hiding behind jargon.  Peter is truly the antidote to an insurance headache, and I can't recommend him highly enough. 

To learn what percentage of a parachute you have for your commercial, home or travel insurance, you can contact Peter on 01202 868800 or via peter@readinsurance.co.uk - good luck!