WHERE'S MY ENTOURAGE?

[Karan]:  Please can I have an entourage for Christmas?  Here are the vacancies I have available immediately:

1) Chef - I hate cooking.  I will cook under sufferance but the children would much prefer it if I didn't - and so would I for that matter.  Before I had children I honestly thought that metal box in the kitchen was a fire with a clock on it!  If Ian ever left me, we'd all look like Coco Pops!

2) Au Pair - Ian and I are agreed on this one.  His one stipulation is that the Au Pair should come from Sweden and have dimples like Cheryl Cole's.  This I can live with, just as long as I can bounce a penny off his Lycra-clad buttocks!

3) Chauffeur - How I long to arrive anywhere without a centre parting.  You see, Ian and I always have a 101 things to do in any given second, and so every minute is tightly packed doing "stuff".  We then leave the house/showroom with just enough time to get to where we're going - assuming there are no pesky delays like ... errr .... other cars on the road!  We qualify everywhere.  Like the Formula 1 drivers, we leave the garage with just enough time to get to where we're going, we hurtle (whilst always observing the speed limit, obviously) through the traffic, arriving more often than not, in the nick of time.  Which is great, but my adrenaline filled body is pumping my heart clean out of my chest and I end up sporting a less than flattering centre parting whilst cleaning dead midges off of my gritted teeth!  How nice it would be to arrive relaxed and serene - even if it is on the school run.

4) Kim & Aggie - What exactly IS the point of housework?  You do the housework and then, six months later, you have to do it all over again!  Seriously though I have to admit to being a little bit like Monica out of Friends, when it comes to housework - I'm something of a neat-freak.  Now, you hear that sound?  That's the sound of my friend's ribs pinging with the understatement.  I'm a lot like Monica, if you listen to them, and I'd have you laminated if you were to stand still too long, and I'd have you disemboweled if you rearranged my desk.  I'm a fully subscribed member of the "if it's not a right angle, then it's a wrong angle" party - but it's exhausting.  Please could I have one set of Kim and Aggie for Christmas, to look after my OCD tendencies?  Thanks very much.

5) Butler - I will admit this is a little frivolous, but it would be lovely to have tea, toast and the newspaper delivered to me in bed every morning, whilst my shower warms up and my towels are fluffed.  Is this one vacancy too far - have I lost your sympathies now?  Oh well, there is very little chance I will ever be interviewing candidates for these vacancies, so you can be assured that you've just read the mad ramblings of an exhausted and deluded soon-to-be old woman! 

Have you noticed my gratuitous use of a Gerard Butler photo?  It's not exactly the kind of butler I was referring to a moment ago, but I do believe I could learn to live with this Mr Butler bringing me tea, toast and the newspaper in bed every morning.  Not sure how I would manage to put such a brave face on it, but I'd learn, I'm sure.

Now what a merry Christmas that would be ... [sigh]